I'd like to thank everyone for their positive feed back about the Communication post. It must have struck a vein with some people because I got some really good comments about it. There were some things that I had left out because I didn't want to ramble on too much and because I sort of went off in a few other directions and it didn't seem to fit in. Since it seemed so popular, I thought I'd go back to those ideas that got left out and try and rehash them. Here are some of them:
Empathy: I'm really shit at it. It's not that I don't feel it or don't want to show it, it's just that I'm not very good at it. I find that women, in general, are much better at it and that is an admirable trait. I feel that women over empathize sometimes but the key is when and to whom they do it with. I don't imagine most guys require too much empathy when they get a nail through their favourite work boots. It's a "bugger" moment, we get over it and move on. We really don't require too much empathy on that level but a women would give it anyways because they are, for the most part, sympathetic creatures and we love them for it. Watch though, a women break a heel on a shoe. Her friends will gather round and console her like her puppy got run over. There are absolutely two different levels of empathy given.
Now with me, let's say a male friend of mine is getting a divorce. I'd really feel for him, even if his wife was a complete troll. My lack of empathy though limits how much I can help him and I really struggle with that.I'm basically limited to "sorry for you mate" or "let me know if you need a place to crash" or even " do you need help moving out, because I've got a trailer?". That might be helpful and everything but he might need a bit more than that. I get all tongue-tied and start saying stupid things like "well at least the kids are young,they won't really remember any of this". With the loss of a grandparent or even an older parent I fall into the old cliches of "he lived a good long life" or "at least he went in his sleep". I hate it! I'm not very good good at receiving that sort of empathy but that's another story.
When it gets to this level of loss women come into their own. Because they spend so much time crying over a broken heel or the goldfish dying or something. When something big happens they are fully trained up on what needs to be done and what needs to be said. It's amazing! They also break through the gender barrier and the empathy is genuinely appreciated by both men and women because we all know that it is sincere. In conclusion, I console myself that even though I might be shit at giving empathy, I am sincere and as long as that comes through then hopefully that is appreciated because unfortunately, that's usually the best I can do.
Culture Clash: I'd be generalizing if I said that most Americans like to talk about themselves and that most of the Dutch like to talk about "you" and that most Kiwi's like to talk about the Holy Trinity (cars,cows and fishing). Because I'm an American who lived in Holland that now lives in New Zealand, I get myself caught up in these generalizations. In New Zealand, it's hard sometimes to talk about myself or what I'm doing because Kiwi's don't do that. It's not an ego thing for me, it's just my manner of conversation, a starter let's say. I hope that by saying what I've been up to that that will be reciprocated and I can find out what the other person has been up to. That way, as a converted Dutchman, I can swoop in and ask them how they "feel" about that and why they did it and what they were "feeling" at the time they did it. Kiwi's clam up though almost as soon as I hit Stage 1 (me talking about what I did). I hardly ever get the chance to explore Stage 2 (how they "felt" about it) unless of course, they had to fix the radiator on their car because they hit a cow on they way back from fishing. I can almost empathize with that! It's an ongoing project. I'll let you know how I get on.
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